Snap, Crackle, Pop
“Putting the Fizz into the Bizz”
Call the RSPCA! Rip Her To Shreds exposes the full extent of animal exploitation in the name of album cover art. Do these pets have agents, or were they stolen to order? Swine flu – a plague upon the music industry? Answers on a ‘meat feast’ pizza box to the editor.
Exhibit ‘A’: Tapestry - Carole King
This cat has been forced to listen to Smackwater Jack. Possibly on repeat. You can tell by the nervous look in its eyes as it peers beyond the camera, searching for the catflap.
Exhibit ‘B’: Be Human - Fightstar
Bo-vinyl disgrace! These abattoir raiders should be ashamed. Very ashamed
Exhibit ‘C’: Get Yer Ya-yas Out!- The Rolling Stones.
We are not convinced this put-upon animal is a bonafide roadie. All evidence to the contrary. Lucky escape though. Jagger served us up Goats Head Soup. It could so easily have been Donkey Broth.
Exhibit ‘D’: Blind Man’s Zoo – 10,000 Maniacs.
By Dumbo! One of these elephants appears to be airborne. Not we would suggest, its natural state
Exhibit ‘E’: Weasels Ripped My Flesh - Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention.
Yes, at least this critter got its own back.
Exhibit ‘F’: ParkLife - Blur.
Not content with racing these anorexic canines , Albarn has coerced them into participating in a cut-price photoshoot. ParkLife our arse. More like Knackers Yard
Exhibit ‘G’: Atom Heart Mother - Pink Floyd.
Why is this cow being filmed from behind? Why is it looking anxious?
Exhibit ‘H’: The Fox - Elton John.
We’re unsure whether this fox is posing, stuffed or simply stapled to a plank of wood. But you must agree, it’s not looking good
Exhibit ‘I’: Nine Lives- Aerosmith.
Quite simply, what have Aerosmith done to this cat? Its an abomination.
Exhibit ‘J’: HMV.
Forget Pirate Bay, here we have the most heinous of music industry crimes. How many years have HMV been forcing this tone-deaf dog to stick its head in a gramophone? For Pete’s sake, someone give it a bonio. And an MP3 player.
(Eden Lloyd)
Rock n roll has an illustrious history when it comes to unleashing creative angst. Alright then, smashing things up. In the finest traditions of investigative journalism, Rip Her To Shreds cowers safely behind the sofa, whilst covertly documenting spats and tantrums as bands throw things out of their prams…
Pulverizing pianos: Jerry Lee Lewis was a forerunner in the ‘tampering with the ivories’ (as opposed to tinkering with the ivories) stakes. Lewis leaves in his wake two dead wives, a level of drug and booze consumption which would easily make Pete ‘don’t put a donk on it’ Doherty look like a saint, one shot bass player, and a marriage to a 13-year-old cousin which shocked the globe. We admit, all this makes mashed-up, booted-in pianos seem slightly inconsequential – but it deserves honorable mention
Garrotting guitars: Pete Townshend, lead guitarist and principal songwriter of The Who, became so infamous for smashing his instruments – that his on-stage guitar decimation exercise at the Railway Hotel, Harrow in 1964, was documented as ‘one of the 50 moments that changed rock n roll’ by Rolling Stone Magazine. His broken and battered Les Paul now thankfully retired from service, resides sedately in the V&A museum as an integral part of our musical heritage.
Demolishing drums: What was it with The Who? Sadly departed Keith ‘the loon’ Moon, volatile drummer with the band, also delighted in smashing his kits to smithereens. He was famously quoted as saying “when you’ve given the audience everything you can give and they don’t give anything back, that’s when the fucking instruments go.” It’s clearly not a safe occupation, being a drum. Or a guitar.
Hotel harassment: Let’s hear it for the girls. Bands have always loved wrecking hotel rooms – a ritual affectionately enshrined in both music and film mythology. Courtney Love illustrates that the female, if not deadlier than the male, is at least as destructive. After a birthday boozing session with The Mighty Boosh’s Noel Fielding, she allegedly returned to her luxury London hotel suite and proceeded to burn the four-poster bed and ‘sully’ the upholstery and carpet. A staff source commented “the room was left in a right state – like a wild animal had been let loose in there.”
Camera carnage: There must be any number of celebs who would secretly or not so secretly, love to ‘cap a pap’. But true to form, Pete Doherty put his fist in first during an encounter with a camera-flashing Latino reporter in Rome, after a 2006 Babyshambles gig. Doherty was left covered in blood after jumping on top of and punching the snapper outside his hotel. The remainder of the band allegedly hovered encouragingly in the background brandishing metal ashtrays The paparazzi subsequently went to hospital. Doherty subsequently went back to his hotel room for a nightcap. Well done that man.
Fracturing faces: Bands love the odd bout of unprovoked fisticuffs. Here at Rip Her To Shreds we’re also rather fans of frothing-at-the-mouth, knuckles-at-the-ready displays of alpha male nonsense (admired from a safe distance of course). The famously volatile Kings of Leon celebrated their ‘Best International Album’ and ‘Best International Band’ 2009 BRIT award wins, with a good old-fashioned, snarly, keepin-it-in-the-family punch-up backstage. Security guards had to wade in as serious punches were thrown and ‘girlie’ insults traded between Caleb Followill and his cousin Matthew. The band (minus Matthew) then adjourned to the Met Bar to nurse their Mojitos and collectively sulk. (Eden Lloyd)
© Rip Her To Shreds 2009
